If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.