My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?