[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
*puts cutlery down*
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…