[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.