Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
When you’re here for the treats.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Goodnight 🐶
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food