Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
War & Peace
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.