[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.