I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you