I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue