Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
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“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”