My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
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Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please