*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose