I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.