Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
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Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.