[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
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Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
omg leave her alone
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips