Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
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Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Tastes like chicken.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no