I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.