I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
What?!?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.