Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
cyclists
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.