I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”