911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
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I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Peace was never an option
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
This is Sparta
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
This line from Airplane.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.