Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
eating my hot dog hamburger style
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.