Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.