me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.