i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.