I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Seems a bit forward
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.