WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.