Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…