Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Sponch
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Choose your fighter
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*me flirting
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go