Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
You Might Also Like
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”