I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
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“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”