If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I have never related to anyone more.