The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
dutch so unserious
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.