My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>