Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
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‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”