[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Do not steal food from the science building!
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My therapist after every session
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
The best plant holders?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.