Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.