This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*limbos away from your hug*
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave