Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine