I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
You Might Also Like
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
ready to be harvested
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.