Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.