No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
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Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I need a headline like this
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed