Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
🤣🤣🤣
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I hope Alan is OK