Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Canadian owl: Eh?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard