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I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.