“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
This could’ve been an email.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Just a friendly reminder!
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.