I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]