Your honor these allegations are
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Terribly Tuesday.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.