I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
You Might Also Like
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Not messing around
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Whoa 😂
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16