I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
NASA has no chill
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale